in their shoes

i cannot even imagine what it feels like
the pain the suffocation the isolation
the constant reminder of your assummed inferiority simply because of your gender
i cannot imagine looking upon my own charred skin after attempting to burn myself due to the injustices have been done upon me and surviving that experience in order to suffer more injustice
human suffering is deafening, heart rendering, excruciatingly psychologically as well as physically painful.
i cannot imagine because i do not live in that world
i am so far away that i have lost all sense of reality
the disparities and gaps are choking me
my vain tears flood my cheeks but how will those tears help the numerous women that are killed, tortured, raped and murdered.
my vain tears and simply warm drops of nothingness that express my anguish momentarily only to go back to corporate america monday morning.
i cannot help but feel helpless in this.
when suffering exists. unsurmountable suffering exists. when i think of the amount of this suffering it overwhelms me and more vain tears return. but i must find another solution.
there must be a way to alleviate the suffering.
it is perhaps their eyes i remember the most,
their tears and my tears
how different they are even though the biologically her tears and my tears and her tears are made of the same components we exist in two completely different lives and two compeltely different worlds.
i have become lost in the consumeristic and materialistic universe. but i am not slain for writing a piece of poetry or for wanting to gain an education. my tears are half in vain and other half in frustration. vain in the fact that even though i am shedding tears what am i really doing about the situaiton and the other half in frustration because i know that individuals of my gender suffer every day. 50 women die everyday in childbirth complications in Afghanistan. That is 18,250 that are dieing just because they were not brought to the hospital in time. Many other women and children die of preventable illnesses due to lack of access to health care. Women that stand up for themselves and ask for education are mistreated and brutally abused. For the women that have attempted to burn themselves but have survived..i do not know what i would say to them. the fact that an indvidual could mistreat you to such an extent that you would go through the physical pain of bieng burnt alive but survive puts a whole new level of exquisite pain that these women are facing..in which the physical pains of the burn are subsidiary to the psychological pain and torture they are feeling.

i have always taken granted of everything. of my family..of my educaiton of my opportunities. but i too was born in nepal which in the larger scheme of things isnt all that far from Afghanisthan. In fact, Nepal has its own demons. I could have been born in a poorer households in the rural area where I could have been sold by my own parents in order to "earn money" but basically to sell my body to the Bombay sex industry. they say there is a large demand of nepali girls...sometimes i cant help but feel both guilty and uneasy in my very being when i see the faces of these girls and women. i see in them so much of what i see in me. a curiosity to learn to grow..be come someone that makes a difference in the world. except when you have been coaxed by a city man who promises to marry you but then sells you off to a brothel. what happens to those dreams.
my dreams are still intact as much as i profess that soemtiems my life feels like a mess. however, isnt it all relative anyways. if my body was invaded every second of every day what would happen to my dreams...in the same light..what about thier dreams..thier ambitions..
i cant help but feel that i do not deserve this life. i just dont think its fair that so much disparity exists where some people have so much and others have so little.

the disparities weigh down upon my body and i feel overtaken by them..but what bothers me most is perahps my inaction. my complete inaction. however. things must change.
i think i have wasted too much time pitying myself for past mistakes and misunderstandings. however in order to make tommroow better i cannot dwell on the past.
if the disparities really bother me to such an extent i must do something. i must make myself worthy of the world.
Here are the things that i need to work on in order to better serve the world.
1. Attitude
this is essential to me suceeding in making a postive impact. negativity has been a part of me for so long but i really need to re-evaluate and being more positive both about my life as well the solutions i want to implement in the world. I need the power of beleif in ymself. and i know its there. it is in the gut.
2. Strength
this is emotional, psychological and physical, in order to serve others i need to be in good health. i have found that my eating habits are less than ideal. and i prefer to sit on the couch for hours rather than engage in any physical activity this needs to change. i need to find ways to become physically active..even if this means i have to force myself. i need to develop a tougher skin. we meet all differnt types of people from different walks of life. if i let every person that i do not get along wiht bother me i will never go anywhere. if anything i will welcome poeple that i may not get along with as well becasue that symbolizes a situation where i can make a positive change in that relationship and see what i can provide.

3. patience. patience. patience. sometiems i see many people achieiving the dreams and aspirations that i wanted for ymself, but just because someone else has the same dreams as mine and is acheiving them does not mean i cannot acheive mine. my dreams are mine alone and it is my sole responsibility to make my own dreams come true. the road is never smooth to get what you really want. but if you want it bad enough it will come to you and if it doesnt, you will find a way for it come to you. be pateint withyourslef. changes are gradual. you need to give your body and mind time to adjust. however being consistent and disciplined is the key. we must be the change we wish to see in the world. so be the change! your calling is calling! you have no more time to waste. time is our greatest resource, use it wisely.

4. the more i look around in the world more i see the need for physicians to work in areas of underprivileged health care. my interest fundamentally lies in health. becoming a physican will give me agency which is intergral in making and implementing policy changes and procedures. the doctor dream has been there for a while now. but i wont deny that i got lost for awhile in a pool of doubt and resentment..yet i wonder..did i ever see ymself as anyone else..everything i wasnt to do is realted to phsycians work
wanting to work in a clinical setting, interacting closely with the pateint while being able to delegate what medical procedure will be best for itehr health. planning and implmeneting public health programs. the only thing that stands between me and medschool is the mcats. and this time around i am ready. i have taken time off..thought this through..and the more i work..the more i realize that becoming a physician is the right path me. i never said it would be easy simple or short. i am still trying to figure out how i will get there but get there for sure.
5. all i want from life is that i leave this world having made a positive impact on an individuals life. i want to leave a legacy of love and compassion behind. i want to build a clinic where community health workers will be extesnively active. i want to build a clinic that not only provides the clinical services but also provides emotional, and psycholigical needs. i want to create a social support system for individuals. i want to eradicate infectious diseases from the world..and althoguh the idea of it mind sound silly its true. infectious diseases spread and manifest in very specific conditions. i want to make changes in policy that relate to health to be more inclusive to consider living status. i do not ever want to look at health, employment, property and education as independenment entities. in stead i want to see all of these as overlapping and if that is the foundation, a missing link can be devastating and i want to link this missing link to disease. that is when diseases occur. diseases will always occur. but studying diseae from a social aspect may help us understand the social issues we need to address.
6. i want my friends and family to be happy. if i could take up all the sorrow in the world and die because of it...i would die many times in order to rid the world of sorrow. if me being in pain would releive the pain and distress of another..i would bear the pain.
i want to serve the world. make this world a better place. spread access
because afterall everyone in the world should have
1. access to health care
2. access to clean food and water
3. clean place to stay
4. opportuntiies for employment
5. the right to be treated with respect and diginity regardless of gender, sexual preference or other factors..