answers

perhaps it is ok to not have the answers
ok to be lost in wilderness
because it is perhaps in these lost moments we find ourselves
we find what we have been constantly looking and searching for
but maybe that is our problem.
that we are constantly searching and looking.
for what and why I do not know?
searching for the answers as if those answers would be the end all be all..
when answers only lead to more questions and more confusion
sometimes i sit back and reminince.
there are always two sides to every story
two ways of perceiving events
the largely optimistic realm where everythingWILL be alright no matter what
and the depper more fearful realm of what if it does not.
when i studied maslows hierachy of needs i did not udnerstnad the depth of his analysis until i have felt those needs in prioritziation
perhaps the desire for esteem..social relaitons..those higher needs in his pyramid are so far more complicated than the basic needs of food and shelter that one can find oneself quite confused complicated in the realm of questions
insecurities
all of us have them
some of them keep us awake at night at 3 in hte morning while ohter seep into life rather unexpectedly. but i cant help but wonder..how many of us are really lviing..living the way...to fuly enjoy every breath of every moment of every day.
all these ideas are so fun and comforting to preach. to tell anotehr person..yet this living..why are we not able to enjoy it. why are nights spend in anguish worry and pain.
if everything is in the end inconsequential why do we worry so much.
what is the root of worry
is it the fundamental disbeleif in ourslevles..is it the fundamental disbeleif in others. is it jsut the way human beignare..
never satisfied..physiclly emotionally. philisophically. in the end of the day. are we not all born with a purpose.
we are by product of a specific egg and sperm chosen. there are so eggs and sperm that could that united. but we were chosen. there must have been some determination in this act. soemtiems i feel a caling to somehwre..yet i do not know how to follow that calling. do not know how to pursue the deep desire inside of ne constantly pursuing me and pushing me to do better. i know i can. i know it is in my power to. yet i too get overwhelmed by myself. setting up such high expectations for oneself can at times be largely suffocating and tiring when u can never meet your own perception of who you should be and who you think u should be. i knwo i lose track. and get so caught up with life..with something so inconsequential to me..yet i do want to reach beyond this. oh a world wihtout desier. if i didnt constantly want more. if my heart didnt ache so sometimes. if love was nonexisitent. if relationships were not improtant. butthe turth is that fundamentally i do not want those things. if i wanted them i could have them. but i have deliberately chosen not to have them. yet i still remorse in pain for not having them. which makes no utter sense when it is clear that i have no desire for such wastes of time. sometimes..i do not even understand why people get in relationships..well here comes the pessimistic side of me. the chances of actually ending up with the one you are dating is quite slim..i do not see why people waste so much time ingetting so hurt. if i were to do it over again i would have never loved ratehr than loved and lost. but grass is always greener on the other side. and perhaps i am also being a tiny bit dramatic. but you need guts and patience to love someone. both of which are transient in my life.
come to me
i am waiting
lead the way
and i will follow
i hear your calling
but i do not know from where
i want to come
i want to be there
its the urgency
its the anguish
sometims it the loss and the confusion
but it is fear too
of overreaching
of conseqeuences
conseuqences of things that havfe not happened.
so much time goes into preventing unintentional conseuwences sometiems i wonder if i spend most of my time fighting thnigs that have not happened and so inadverstantly shit happens. its confusing. all of it. some people seem to be so good at figuring out life. i on the other hand am clueless. cannot begin to comprehend what is gonig on. i am unable to objectively and rationally crtique myself which is perhpas my greatest flaw.
yet flaws are what make us human...